Tuesday, October 19, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Blue Room Reopens, Revealing Mummified Remains Of Those Trapped Within

Published Friday, September 17th, 2021

Brown has reopened the Blue Room Cafe, revealing the mummified remains of those students who were trapped inside in March of 2020.

“The Blue Room was essentially frozen in time last March,” said Professor of Archaeology Tyler Franconi, using a small brush to remove dust from a long-abandoned Hydro Flask. “That provides us with an accurate portrait of just what life was like in this environment a year and a half ago.”

Franconi noted several well-preserved archaeological clues that offered compelling insights.

“You’ll notice several well-preserved pistachio muffins, barely touched,” said Franconi, donning surgical gloves. “Our guess is, students bought muffins out of sheer stress and then realized they weren’t hungry. On laptops, it’s mostly HuffPost articles like ‘What Does COVID-19 Mean for Your Summer Plans?’ You can tell the weather was just changing because we’ve unearthed both Canada Goose jackets and $25 seaweed extract sunscreen.”

“I can see why they’re preserving it; it’s like a slice of history,” said sophomore Marie Lee, stepping over a calcified student on her way to order coffee. “But it was already hard to get a seat in the Blue Room, and now half the tables are taken up by corpses with commemorative plaques.”

At press time, the University planned to use the fossilized student remains to fill the stands at football games.

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