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James Baldwell, a leading researcher at the University of Cambridge’s Simian Studies Facility, recently published a report concluding that the bonobo chimpanzee is fully capable of intelligently communicating with humans through a specialized sign language, and would likely taste really good filleted and seared over a low flame.
“It took my team several years of research to come to our conclusions. We spent months in the Congo with these animals, analyzing their ability to learn language and hypothesizing recipes,” Baldwell said. “We have since learned that in the space of just six months, we were able to teach a young bonobo basic greetings, and that no matter how hard you beg the World Wildlife Fund, they won’t let you slaughter and cook one for bushmeat. Not even once.”
“It doesn’t surprise me,” primate expert Shania Thrift said. “Bonobos have an incredible capacity for language and most likely flavor. We won’t know the full extent until we get one in the laboratory kitchen, properly seasoned.”
Zookeeper Adam Dart was also enthralled with the the captive bonobo’s ability to express simple thoughts. “Oh yeah, they’re pretty smart,” he said. "And you just have to imagine how good they’d taste. It’s all I think about. Every day.”
A related study in the marine division of Cambridge’s ecology team proving that octopi can solve calculus problems was celebrated with a lunch of fried calamari.
