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The Brown Noser

Bored COVID Tester Memorizes Fifty Years’ Worth Of Women’s Track And Field Records

Published Friday, October 30th, 2020

Sources report that bored Brown University COVID tester Josh Toulmin has memorized fifty years’ worth of women’s track and field records posted at the OMAC gymnasium.

“There’s a lot of down time between each testee,” said Toulmin, staring at the all-too familiar wall of track and field records. “And it started with a few bits of trivia here and there, like Alexandra Stanton’s insane 500 meter time in 2015, or the quarter-inch difference in high jump records between Rebecca Bryan and Katie Rowinski. And now it’s sort of my thing.”

“Yesterday I couldn’t stop thinking about McKayla Plank’s 4:42 mile in ’07.” continued Toulmin, shaking his head in awe. “Like, 4:42. That makes Anna Willard look like Natalia Schudrowitz, you know?”

“It’s pretty impressive,” said fellow COVID tester Amy Carter, who sits with Toulmin in Testing Row A. “You can ask him who captained the team in ‘81, or how many years in a row Lindsay Taylor dominated the pentathlon, and he’s got it all in his head. We may be overstaffed here.”

At press time, Toulmin almost had a student come to his table, but then a different table opened up.

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