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Sources report that a lame party late Saturday night was saved from imminent disaster by double-jointed freak Cooper Wilson.
“It all happened so fast. One minute I was about to ask someone about their major, but then someone shouted, ‘Hey, look!’ before I could get the words out,” said partygoer Susan Cooke, who was just about ready to leave the party that was really just 23 people awkwardly standing around in a kitchen. “I think he spun his elbow around, like 720 degrees, and his knees were somehow bent the opposite way?”
“He started by spinning his head all the way around, exorcist-stye,” described fellow reveler Anthony James, who, up until this point, was really wishing he had taken a self-care night. “But the real freak show began when he went to lick both of his own elbows at the same time. It was honestly grotesque, but anything was better than pretending to refill my drink for the eighth time in 20 minutes.”
“As soon as I saw people opening the weather app on their phones, I knew what I had to do,” said Wilson, describing how he sprang into action by promptly dislocating his own shoulder before tucking one leg behind his head. “I mean, there’s nothing that gets a party going more than hypermobility. There’s no need to thank me. It was my sacred duty."
At press time, a previously boring high school reunion was saved by that one girl who got married at 19 also having a secret pregnancy.
