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Sources at the International TED Conference today confirmed that brilliant innovator Brian Walker delivered a dazzling and insightful presentation on the future of human technological progress while releasing a wild tiger into the seated audience before him.
“Globalization is merely a conduit for the social media strides the world has been taking in the last decade!” the young presenter shouted over the screams of his panicking crowd as the 600-pound Asian beast tore its way through them. “And these tech advances are accelerating, increasing our ability to alter societal trajectories in ways we never dreamed of until now.”
Walker, considered by many to be a pioneer in privatized tech and social media, has long been at the forefront of the international technology community.
“You can’t help but feel a little more hopeful for the direction we’re heading, listening to Walker speak,” explained a one-armed member of the audience, reaching critical conditions of blood loss. “He really sees positivity and opportunity for progress in every human invention, no matter how small.”
“Humans are only beginning to understand the potential Big Data holds for transforming the very way we structure the world around us,” said communications entrepreneur Jeff Sticklitz, as the black-and-orange striped Bengali menace mauled the face off of a ticket holder seated behind him. “Walker understands that we will see massive changes in the next several decades, and that these changes must be structured to maximize the well-being of everyone living on this planet.”
“Change is never easy,” concluded Walker as the 7-foot jungle cat lay down to feast on one of its many victims. “But together, we can make this world a place worth living. Because nothing, my friends, is more important than life.”
Walker then moved on to the practical half of his demonstration, where he proceeded to climb down into the blood-spattered audience section and share in his pet’s fresh kills.
