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The Brown Noser

Brita Filter Only Thing Standing Between Students And Catastrophic Wave Of Dysentery

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

Despite Rhode Island’s heavy investment in water treatment facilities, cheap, plastic Brita Filters remain the only thing standing between students and a catastrophic wave of dysentery.

“I bought one since everyone said I should,” said freshman Aiden Tivoli, blissfully unaware of the dysentery, cholera, blue shadow virus, and lead plaguing Providence’s water pipes. “Honestly, I don’t see why it’s such a big deal.”

“The filter set me out like 30 bucks,” continued Tivoli, unaware that those 30 dollars stood as the lone defense against a deadly epidemic of intestinal disease among Brown students. “I don’t see why I even need it. I can’t even taste the difference between filtered and tap water anyway.”

At press time, Tivioli was tempting fate by ignoring the red “replace filter” light.

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