Despite Rhode Island’s heavy investment in water treatment facilities, cheap, plastic Brita Filters remain the only thing standing between students and a catastrophic wave of dysentery.
“I bought one since everyone said I should,” said freshman Aiden Tivoli, blissfully unaware of the dysentery, cholera, blue shadow virus, and lead plaguing Providence’s water pipes. “Honestly, I don’t see why it’s such a big deal.”
“The filter set me out like 30 bucks,” continued Tivoli, unaware that those 30 dollars stood as the lone defense against a deadly epidemic of intestinal disease among Brown students. “I don’t see why I even need it. I can’t even taste the difference between filtered and tap water anyway.”
At press time, Tivioli was tempting fate by ignoring the red “replace filter” light.