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The Brown Noser

Brown Announces Stage Two Of Phase One Of Something Else They Won’t Enforce

Published Friday, October 30th, 2020

In an email to Brown’s student body yesterday, President Christina Paxson announced that Brown’s campus was entering stage two of phase one of something else that wouldn’t be enforced.

“I am pleased to announce that we have managed to bypass the first stage of the opening phase and are entering into a new one,” Paxson wrote about a plan that doesn’t mean anything since the University won’t actually make anyone follow these guidelines anyway. “As part of the first phase’s second stage, we’ll be lifting some restrictions but also imposing some new rules.”

“If we all keep following the rules, we will end the second stage of the first phase and enter the first stage of the second phase,” Paxson continued, failing to mention that she can only hope students are following the rules because the University sure as hell isn’t making sure they are. “At that point, we can start to move closer to a normal semester while remaining locked down.”

Paxson concluded the email by announcing her intention to create a plan to explore the possibility of a safe, normal spring semester.

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