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The Brown Noser

Brown Band Performing At 8 a.m. On Saturday Immensely Celebrated Throughout Campus Like Military Parading Through City

Published Friday, December 9th, 2016

Blasting a thunderous rendition of Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” outside every dorm, the Brown Band was greeted this weekend to the cheers and thunderous applause of students. At 8am sharp, students were reportedly flinging open their window shutters and rushing to the streets to witness the Brown Band perform. Sources went on to say that, while some students crowded around each side of the band, others waved giant foam fingers from the balconies.

“Imagine you go out, party, and fall asleep drunk at 5am," said sophomore Eileen Gold, trying to describe how she felt amidst the deafening adulation and confetti shower. "Then the next thing you hear is the most bombastic rendition of ‘Seven Nation Army’ before you even realize where you are. I couldn’t imagine a better way to start the day.”

Eyewitnesses report that students were even bringing bouquets of flowers and fireworks to celebrate the occasion. “People were throwing so many flowers and other stuff that sometimes you could hardly see the band,” said Keeney resident Dylan Altman, as a streamer rested on his nose. “Thankfully, the sound of those horns always remained loud and clear. Especially loud.”

In particular, when asked about what exactly got them excited about the Brown Band’s performance, many cited that the early timing was their favorite part. “Gotta be before 8:30, or nothing,” said one Newdorm resident Charles Fabien. “If horn and drum aren’t literally the first thing blasting into my ears to the point where I go into a fight-or-flight response, then I’m sorry, but it’s simply not a Brown Band performance in my mind. It’s why everyone loves them.”

At press time, the band stopped marching to blast one ultimate, window-shattering amalgam of noise, and were met with a roar of applause.

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