Tom's articles
As part of a new healthy food initiative, the Sharpe Refectory has created an absolutely disgusting section titled “Fresh Catch of the Day.” According to cafeteria manager Jonathan Simone, the new section will feature industrial metal trays filled with square-shaped servings of fresh, unnamed white fish.
Coming to television this spring, a new show on the Food Network titled “Seriously No Reservations” will feature a man who walks into restaurants across the country and eats food from the kitchen without contacting the owner beforehand sources reported Tuesday.
In an event that has many Brown University faculty and students confused, a second Untitled Lamp/Bear has appeared on Simmons Quadrangle adjacent to the first. The light green bear, seems to have been installed overnight and has come as a complete surprise to the entire campus.
Blasting a thunderous rendition of Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” outside every dorm, the Brown Band was greeted this weekend to the cheers and thunderous applause of students. At 8am sharp, students were reportedly flinging open their window shutters and rushing to the streets to witness the Brown Band perform.
In what some sources are calling an “obvious finding”, a new study by the University of Rhode Island shows that loud motorcyclists riding on Thayer Street are actually the coolest people in Providence, RI. The extensive panel data, which was collected over a twelve-year period, concluded that over 85% of Providence residents thought that the motorcyclists were even cooler than those cars with the windows rolled down while blasting the radio.
In a brief statement made last week, CIT management has announced that the free lollipops at the help desk will now be replaced with free foot-long turkey sub sandwiches. The sandwiches, which a help desk worker claimed will be “absolutely stacked with meat”, are a part of a new initiative from the CIT to keep the atmosphere relaxed and inviting.
Running out of time before December 25th, a panicked Santa Claus is reportedly using reindeer flesh as presents this year. Sources say Claus was last seen tearfully taking a blood-matted piece of deer, and wrapping it in red ribbon.
“Fuck, man.
In what Rhode Island meteorologists are calling the nippiest season yet, nippy weather is nipping at those nips like nothing else. “Without proper clothing, nips that have not been nipped already are bound to get nipped in no time.” stated senior meteorologist, Neel Nuñez. “This weather is seriously nippy! And my nips are getting nipped!” At press time, nipples.
In what is already being called one of Brown University’s boldest green initiatives yet, sources reveal that the toilet paper rolls in all major bathroom stalls will soon be replaced by Dyson hand dryers.
“We all knew that this would take a lot of work to get underway but we just realized that Brown must set the precedent as an eco-friendly campus,” stated Head of Utility Services Mike Lazaro.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
