Wednesday, June 20, 2018
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The Brown Noser

Tom Rosenstein


Tom's articles

New Section at Ratty Titled "Fresh Catch of the Day" Absolutely Terrifying | Apr 21 2017

As part of a new healthy food initiative, the Sharpe Refectory has created an absolutely disgusting section titled “Fresh Catch of the Day.” According to cafeteria manager Jonathan Simone, the new section will feature industrial metal trays filled with square-shaped servings of fresh, unnamed white fish.

New Show On Food Network Just Some Guy Who Walks Into Restaurants Unannounced And Starts Eating Food From Kitchen | Mar 17 2017

Coming to television this spring, a new show on the Food Network titled “Seriously No Reservations” will feature a man who walks into restaurants across the country and eats food from the kitchen without contacting the owner beforehand sources reported Tuesday.

Second Untitled Lamp/Bear Ominously Appears Next to First | Dec 09 2016

In an event that has many Brown University faculty and students confused, a second Untitled Lamp/Bear has appeared on Simmons Quadrangle adjacent to the first. The light green bear, seems to have been installed overnight and has come as a complete surprise to the entire campus.

Brown Band Performing At 8 a.m. On Saturday Immensely Celebrated Throughout Campus Like Military Parading Through City | Dec 09 2016

Blasting a thunderous rendition of Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” outside every dorm, the Brown Band was greeted this weekend to the cheers and thunderous applause of students. At 8am sharp, students were reportedly flinging open their window shutters and rushing to the streets to witness the Brown Band perform.

Study: Loud Motorcyclists On Thayer Actually Coolest People In Providence | Dec 09 2016

In what some sources are calling an “obvious finding”, a new study by the University of Rhode Island shows that loud motorcyclists riding on Thayer Street are actually the coolest people in Providence, RI. The extensive panel data, which was collected over a twelve-year period, concluded that over 85% of Providence residents thought that the motorcyclists were even cooler than those cars with the windows rolled down while blasting the radio.

CIT Replaces Free Lollipops With Free Foot-Long Turkey Subs | Dec 09 2016

In a brief statement made last week, CIT management has announced that the free lollipops at the help desk will now be replaced with free foot-long turkey sub sandwiches. The sandwiches, which a help desk worker claimed will be “absolutely stacked with meat”, are a part of a new initiative from the CIT to keep the atmosphere relaxed and inviting.

Desperate Santa Claus Frenziedly Packages Reindeer Meat As Christmas Gift | Dec 09 2016

Running out of time before December 25th, a panicked Santa Claus is reportedly using reindeer flesh as presents this year. Sources say Claus was last seen tearfully taking a blood-matted piece of deer, and wrapping it in red ribbon. “Fuck, man.

Report: Nippy Weather Seriously Nipping At Those Nips | Dec 09 2016

In what Rhode Island meteorologists are calling the nippiest season yet, nippy weather is nipping at those nips like nothing else. “Without proper clothing, nips that have not been nipped already are bound to get nipped in no time.” stated senior meteorologist, Neel Nuñez. “This weather is seriously nippy! And my nips are getting nipped!” At press time, nipples.

Brown Goes Greener by Replacing Toilet Paper with Hand Dryers | Nov 04 2016

In what is already being called one of Brown University’s boldest green initiatives yet, sources reveal that the toilet paper rolls in all major bathroom stalls will soon be replaced by Dyson hand dryers. “We all knew that this would take a lot of work to get underway but we just realized that Brown must set the precedent as an eco-friendly campus,” stated Head of Utility Services Mike Lazaro.