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The Brown Noser

Brown Declares Pandemic Defeated After Putting Out 100 Plastic Chairs

Published Friday, October 30th, 2020

After placing about 100 plastic chairs around campus outdoor spaces in preparation for the influx of students this semester, the University’s COVID-19 task force has declared an end to the pandemic.

“We solved it!” began an email from Vice President Eric Estes with the subject line “All Gone!” “Who knew that all we had to do to protect students from the virus was put out some chairs? That way people will sit outside, where the virus isn’t!”

Sources close to Estes and President Christina Paxson report that they are expecting some sort of prize for their discovery of outside chairs, hopefully a Nobel, but a Medal of Freedom would be cool too.

“For those who don’t understand why this plan worked so well to end the global pandemic, allow me to explain again,” continued Estes’ email. “The virus is inside, where chairs normally are. We put chairs outside, where the virus is not. Now there is no more virus!”

At press time, Estes has sent an email with the subject line “Never mind” after realizing that people are pushing the chairs close together.

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