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Sources report that a Brown EMS worker is really nothing more than a child laborer with a slight interest in biology.
“Wait a damn minute. You’re telling me that I’m supposed to go to that guy in the event of a medical emergency?” questioned junior Silas Reed, motioning to the BEMS worker picking his nose outside the entrance of the campus dance. “What qualifications does he even have? I mean, look at the guy, he looks barely seventeen. But sure, let’s just toss him the keys to an ambulance and assume he can save my life because he passed BIOL 0210!”
“And the fact that he consistently works overnight shifts for no pay is a red flag in itself,” continued Reed, who just observed the BEMS worker eagerly exclaim “punch buggy, no punch backs” to the other BEMS worker as one rolled down the street. “Makes you think—is this program even ethical? I mean, it is just cruel to make these children toil away in the hope of one day making it to medical school. And I’m just expected to trust him to give me my flu shot next week? Nuh-uh. No thank you. Nose-picking Marshall is not getting near my body with a needle.”
At press time, another heroic EMS worker saved the day by telling a drunk first-year to drink more water.
