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In a recent statement by the university, Brown Facilities has unveiled a new plan to replace the Main Green with an intricate maze of stairs and ramps.
“Accessibility and inaccessibility are both very important to us,” said spokesman Danny Oblert, pouring over blueprints depicting hundreds of ramps and stairs leading into one another to create an endless, interminable loop. “We are always looking for ways to make campus as easy to traverse and as impossible to navigate as we can.”
“All of our projects are designed with our mission statement in mind: ‘We care,’" continued Oblert, admiring a diorama of the building plans whose non-euclidian properties allow parts of the Main Green to double back on itself in the fourth dimension. “Its always about what’s best for the student body.”
“This space is designed to be both grounding, and at the same time, divorce students from the very laws of physics that keep them tethered to reality,” added Oblert, pointing to a spot where a ramp and set of stairs exist simultaneously in separate temporal realms. “If we can just make life easier for one student, and at the same time encourage them to cross a novel and formerly unexplored spatial plane, we’ll have done our job.”
At press time, Brown Dining Services announced plans to unveil seitan that is both vegan and keto at the same time.
