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The Brown Noser

Brown Facilities Announces Plans To Take All The Grass Out, Put It Back In Again

Published Friday, September 16th, 2022

In an email to the Campus Community, Brown Facilities has announced an exciting new initiative to take all the grass out and put it back in again.

“At the beginning of every new school year, Brown Facilities renews its commitment to a safer and more beautiful campus,” wrote Facilities Operations Manager Joel Diggory, fantasizing about tearing handfuls of grass out of Ruth Simmons Quad. “That’s why we’re proud to announce that 90-95 percent of the grass here on College Hill will be taken out and put back in again.”

“The initiative involves two main stages: stage one, taking all the grass out, and stage two, putting all the grass back in,” continued the email, which included a schematic drawing of grass labeled “out” beside the same image of grass labeled “in.” “Both stages are crucial to the success of this project.”

“Despite this new initiative, Brown Facilities will still be available to respond to issues regarding dorm room functionality and waste management concerns on campus,” stated Diggory in the email, giddy at the thought of campus being reduced to a collection of bare plots of soil for months at a time. “But here at Brown, we’re committed to ensuring every blade of grass on campus is torn out by its roots on a regular basis and so we ask you to limit personal requests for the duration of the project.”

At press time, Brown Event Services announced a brand new objective to put up a bunch of tents and take them all down again.

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