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The Brown Noser

Brown University Architects Reveal Exciting New Plans For Concrete Monstrosity

Published Friday, April 21st, 2017

At a press conference held earlier this week, architects working for Brown University excitedly announced plans for the construction of a new concrete monolith on campus.

“Never before have we used so much concrete in the design of a building,” stated chief architect Jeff Reyes, adding that they haven’t used any other building materials. “The structure is surely going to add a unique charm to the campus. I think the students are going to be much happier with an entirely concrete structure than with one with glass and natural light. Another really exciting feature is that the building will be visible from any point on campus. So no one will be able to escape looking at this gigantic eyesore."

Reyes eagerly reported that the new building is being designed to completely alter the view of the Providence skyline. Additionally, the team predicts that tour guides will pointedly avoid showing the building to tour groups for many years to come.

“When we were commissioned to designed the building," said Reyes, “we knew that it had to be an enormous, featureless cuboid. In that respect, the Sci Li was just the beginning. Now, we’re planning on using a unique shade of grey concrete that makes the building look repulsive at all hours of the day. Even during a stunning New England sunset, this thing is going to look truly horrific.”

Senior architects announced at the end of the conference that they planned for at least 65% of Brown’s campus to be gruesome concrete monstrosities by 2030.

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