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Describing it as a breakthrough in the field of dweeb genetics, bully scientists at the University of Pennsylvania have reportedly identified the gene that makes you a dumb, brace-faced nerd who’s about to get a knuckle sandwich.
“We’ve conducted extensive research on lame-o’s and mouth-breathers all across the United States, and our studies suggest that this gene definitively proves you’re a freak who’s just begging for a wedgie right now,” mean researcher Kyle Portnoy said as he scowled and pounded his fist into his palm. “Unfortunately, the structure of nucleic acids in the gene is such that we’re gonna have to take you behind the school dumpster at 5 o’clock and teach you a lesson. Its macromolecular makeup also suggests that afterwards you and your puny friends are gonna have to scram—or else.”
At press time, bully scientists had announced the discovery of a second gene that makes you a sad, emotionally damaged person who, deep down, isn’t such a bad guy if you’d just give him a chance.
