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The Brown Noser

Bus Company Challenges Airline To Cross-Country Race In Ill-Advised Promotional Event

Published Friday, October 30th, 2015

In what has been hailed as a “bold and confusing mistake,” Greyhound has challenged American Airlines to see who could safely transport 100 passengers 2,700 miles across the United States in a shorter amount of time, a publicity stunt that is sure to result in failure and embarrassment for the bus company.

“We’re confident in the ability of our buses to travel faster than any of their planes,” said Greyhound CEO Dave Leach, a man who has certainly been lied to. “We want to send the totally true message that passengers are getting the fastest possible service when they choose to ride in a Greyhound bus. Stop looking at me like that.”

Greyhound and American Airlines agreed to transport an entire wedding party from New York to Los Angeles free of charge. The bus and the plane will depart at the same time, exactly 24 hours before the wedding is scheduled to take place, an amount of time Leach somehow has been convinced will be enough for the bus to make it from one coast to another without breaking any speed limits. Whichever company gets their passengers to the wedding destination first will be declared the winner.

Leach added that as long as everybody showed up at the Exxon station at 2:00 p.m. sharp, the bus group would make it with time to spare. “We will be making stops every hundred or so miles, but if everybody agrees to keep the off-bus time to seven minutes, I promise we will roll on through.”

Marty Schoenhofen of Schoenhofen and Associates came up with the terrible idea for the campaign. “Airplanes have been the bullies of mass transit for too long,” said Schoenhofen, who really seemed like he believed what he was saying. “People have got to realize that there are other ways to get across the country. One of them is buses.”

“I mean think about it, we’re avoiding the headaches of security and bag checks,” said father of the bride Charles Henley, who will likely miss his daughter’s wedding by a number of days. “Maybe it’s time for buses to make a resurgence.”

At press time, the bus had just crossed over into Pennsylvania and the plane had crashed into a mountain.

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