In a striking conversation from the Counseling and Psychological Services office yesterday, your therapist Clarissa Condey suggested that you should try getting laid.

“Look kid, I’m gonna level with you — we’ve been meeting for a long time now, and you still seem pretty wound up. We can keep chatting if you want, but honestly, there’s not much I can do for you that can’t be accomplished by getting laid,” Condey told you as she tried to download Tinder onto your phone for you. “I mean, seriously, anxiety meds? Have you tried not being a loser? All you gotta do is get to the Bone Zone, and I’m telling you, you’re gonna feel so much better.”

“You keep telling me about how classes stress you out, and it’s like, oh my God, first of all snooze,” Condey continued as she searched through your contacts for any hot-sounding names for you to text. “And second of all, do you really think you would care this much about class if you had some invigorating extracurricular activities? Seriously.”

At press time, your Career Services advisor suggested being born into royalty.

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