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The Brown Noser

CAPS To Offer Hugs From Big-Bosomed Women In Lieu Of Counseling

Published Friday, September 17th, 2021

In lieu of counseling this fall, CAPS has announced plans to instead offer comforting hugs from big-bosomed women.

“Recent studies have proven that talk therapy just isn’t doing it for college students anymore,” explained Brown’s Vice President of Campus Life, Eric Estes, this past Tuesday. “So, this semester, we’ve decided we’re going to incorporate breasts into Counseling and Psychological Services.”

According to reports from the college, students will be able to make same-day hug appointments for up to 10 minutes each.

“This will give the students just enough time to softly sob into a large bosom,” continued Estes, excitedly outlining the new and improved CAPS plan on his whiteboard. “Our huggers are professionally trained. They know exactly how to gently pat their patients’ heads and shush them like little babies.”

“I truly believe double D’s are the solution to the mental health crisis on campus,” Estes stated. “These kids don’t need any more tips for regulating their breathing. What they really need is a pair of hefty jugs to rest their foreheads on.”

At press time, the University was discussing how to make these hugs accessible through telehealth.

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