Tuesday, August 4, 2020
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Sara Caskey

Writer

Sara's articles

Report: Handheld Vacuum Cleaner Gonna Take It Nice And Slow | Apr 24 2020

Despite the substantial surface area of the carpet, sources report that the handheld vacuum cleaner will be taking it nice and slow. “Oh, ok, this vacuum isn’t sucking up very much at all,” said vacuum owner Dave Bukowski, picking up thin shreds of paper that the vacuum’s gentle flow had left behind.

Area Man Just Gonna Clean Up Spill With Sock | Mar 06 2020

Glancing around in search of a napkin, area man Dave Whitman reportedly decided he’s just gonna clean up a recent spill with his sock. “I mean, I can’t just leave this Sprite puddle sitting on the coffee table like an animal,” Whitman said, removing his left sock to sop up the liquid before it could start dripping onto the rug.

Report: Blue Room Spoons Deep | Dec 06 2019

Diners at the Blue Room have reported that the available spoons are, in fact, very deep. “I used a spoon to eat some chicken noodle soup the other night,” reported Jeremey Collins, a disgruntled freshman. “They’re just sooo deep.” “Usually I can just sort of slurp up the broth without too much effort,” he continued, venting his frustrations with the utensil’s deep cavity.

Grandma Tired Of Being Used As Primary Source | Dec 06 2019

Area Grandma Phyllis Walker is tired of being used as a primary source for her grandkids’ history projects, sources report. “At first it was kind of sweet,” reported a frustrated Walker. “But then I realized the only times my grandbabies call me is when they need a quick quote about consumerism in the 1950s or a brief statement about the Kennedy assassination.” “Last week Zachary called me for his report on the stock market crash of ’29," Walker added, moving aggressively back and forth in her rocker.

Local Kid's Rendition Of Heart And Soul Lacks Both | Dec 06 2019

According to witnesses, local boy Justin McDermott’s attempts at plinking out “Heart and Soul” on his living room keyboard totally lack the spirit implied by the song’s title. “I know Justin is practicing whenever I hear this choppy, mechanical melody,” said the boy’s concerned mother.

God Kindly Assists Local Woman On Quest To Find Missing Keys | Oct 25 2019

Upon finding her misplaced car keys, local woman Colleen Baker was grateful that God kindly helped with her search for the missing keys. “I was running late for a lunch date with my friend Kathy from work, and I just couldn’t find them anywhere,” Baker said, looking up to the sky with an appreciative smile and confidence that God was with her through this predicament.

Scary Kid Refers To It As “All Hallows Eve” | Oct 25 2019

Local sources report that neighborhood kid Jared Buckley keeps referring to the approaching October 31st holiday as “All Hallows Eve.” “Jared has always been a little different around this time of year,” said Buckley’s mother as her son whispered ominously about dissolving the boundary between the living and dead.

Professor Gleefully Basks In Soft Chuckles Elicited By Joke | Oct 25 2019

Scanning the lecture hall following a carefully-crafted ironic comment, Professor of Economics Donald Feldstein was thrilled to hear soft chuckles from several slightly amused students. “I mean, it wasn’t ha-ha funny or anything,” said student Chris Anderson as Feldstein beamed around the class from his podium, congratulating himself with a discreet fist pump and quietly muttering, “you still got it.” “I thought he deserved at least a titter of acknowledgment, though,” Anderson added as Feldstein continued to glow radiantly, advancing through lecture slides with a sense of renewed vigor.

RIPTA Driver Unsuccessful in Leading Bus 34 Sing-Along | Oct 25 2019

According to witnesses, local RIPTA driver Todd Jenson was unsuccessful in leading a sing-along on bus 34 last Thursday. “I guess that no one knows the Brady Bunch theme song anymore,” Jenson said with a disappointed sigh. “We were going down the Thayer tunnel, and I just wanted to liven the late-afternoon blues with some happy tunes.” According to reports, bus 34’s passengers were completely unresponsive, with one woman turning up the music on her headphones and another young man angrily threatening to “pull the cord” if the singing persisted.

Report: Rabbit Really Still | Sep 13 2019

According to witnesses, that rabbit is just really still. Illuminated by street lamps late in the evening, it can be seen doing absolutely nothing at all. “Even as I move closer it is still very still,” one eyewitness observed. “I mean, if you really examine it, you can maybe see its nose quivering. But that’s it.” By press time, the rabbit had finally scampered away to go be really still in a different location.

Text From Scott Transforms Emily’s Slumber Party Into Chaotic Frenzy | Sep 13 2019

During a birthday sleepover last weekend, an unexpected text from Scott sent Emily’s slumber party into a fit of chaos. Reading simply, “happy bday,” the text caused birthday girl Emily Jefferson to shriek with unbridled excitement, interrupting a previously lackluster truth or dare circle.

Motorcyclist Just Vrooming With Mouth | Apr 19 2019

According to sources, local motorcyclist Chris Walker was just vrooming with his mouth last Thursday. “I heard this really intense whirring sound,” said a witness to the scene, reporting that it was immediately clear that Mr. Walker was just substituting the rev of the engine with the fervent trilling of his lips.

Report: That Tickles! | Mar 08 2019

According to reports, area man Charles Martin could scarcely endure the bout of tickling he was subjected to last Tuesday afternoon. “Ooooooh you better stop!” reported Martin, speaking through throaty chuckles and staggered breathes. “Guys! You know how ticklish I am—hehehehehe! Oh my goodness, I can barely brea—hahahahaha! Hooooh boy this is a lot!” At press time, Martin reported that guys, seriously, it’s getting to be a bit much.

Classmate’s Doodle Of A Whale Getting Really Intense | Dec 07 2018

Looking over at his classmate’s neighboring desk, sophomore Henry Gilbert was awestruck by his classmate’s really intense doodle of a whale. “It started with just a small squiggle,” explained Gilbert, who was visibly astonished by the level of artistic detail.

Area Man Thinks It’s Probably Time To Wash Towel | Oct 26 2018

Local man Steve Buckley has definitely lost track of the last time he washed his towel, sources report. “I only have one towel so I can’t just throw it into the machine whenever I want, you know what I mean?” commented Buckley, considering the limp, suspiciously pigmented piece of fabric hanging on the back of his door.