In lieu of counseling this fall, CAPS has announced plans to instead offer comforting hugs from big-bosomed women.
“Recent studies have proven that talk therapy just isn’t doing it for college students anymore,” explained Brown’s Vice President of Campus Life, Eric Estes, this past Tuesday.
According to reports, an entitled neighborhood baby is so lazy he won’t even wipe the sauce off of his own face.
“For starters, I have to feed him myself because he can’t even hold a fork properly,” commented the child’s mother, Sandy Griffith.
According to recent reports, local milkman Donald McDougal has been disappointed by his lack of affairs with neighborhood housewives.
“I really thought I’d spend more time sneaking in through back doors and stealing smooches against the icebox,” explained a downcast McDougal.
According to recent reviews, regionally-renowned romance novelist Scarlet Greenblossom is clearly obsessed with loins.
“Though her plots vary, the one constant across all of Greenblossom’s stories is loins,” noted Cheryl Wilkerson, a fan of the author’s work.
As he worked to complete his paper for ENGL 0346, junior Christopher Pfeiffer was hoping that Thesaurus.com would spruce up his sad, sad essay.
“Perhaps I can exchange ‘important’ for ‘paramount’,” Pfeiffer wondered, scratching his head and staring forlornly at his very dry essay.
Sources report that an inadequate pastel drawing of an Austrian countryside is only worth 500 words.
“This picture is only giving me two paragraphs, maybe three,” reported dissatisfied critic Chris Friedman. “If the artist had only put in a little more effort, then maybe we’d have a respectable word count here.”
“Right now, this middling landscape isn’t worth more than a page,” continued Friedman, peering closer at the grazing cows in an attempt to gauge more about their backstories.
According to student reports, biology professor James Scampini clearly drafts all of his emails with a single finger.
“Come to canvas tues," Professor Scampini wrote in response to one of his student’s inquiries, exercising solely his index finger before delicately signing off with his first initial, “j.”
“See me at office hrs 2-4,” clarified Scampini in a follow-up note, fitting the entirety of his message in just the subject line of the email before putting his typing finger to rest for the evening.
Engaged couple Tim Meadows and Carol Feldman are reportedly dreading the day they’ll no longer be able to use the pandemic as an excuse to delay their wedding.
“You know, when everything shut down I was like, thank God,” Carol guiltily revealed this past Tuesday, attempting to slide off the engagement ring stuck to her finger.
Area woman Janet McManus announced her intentions last Thursday to begin reading The Goldfinch.
“I’ve been so busy lately,” McManus admitted, scanning her bookshelf for that novel she’s been meaning to read. “But now I think it’s finally time to indulge myself, take a breath, and pick up a good book.
Despite the substantial surface area of the carpet, sources report that the handheld vacuum cleaner will be taking it nice and slow.
“Oh, ok, this vacuum isn’t sucking up very much at all,” said vacuum owner Dave Bukowski, picking up thin shreds of paper that the vacuum’s gentle flow had left behind.
Glancing around in search of a napkin, area man Dave Whitman reportedly decided he’s just gonna clean up a recent spill with his sock. “I mean, I can’t just leave this Sprite puddle sitting on the coffee table like an animal,” Whitman said, removing his left sock to sop up the liquid before it could start dripping onto the rug.
Diners at the Blue Room have reported that the available spoons are, in fact, very deep.
“I used a spoon to eat some chicken noodle soup the other night,” reported Jeremey Collins, a disgruntled freshman. “They’re just sooo deep.”
“Usually I can just sort of slurp up the broth without too much effort,” he continued, venting his frustrations with the utensil’s deep cavity.
Area Grandma Phyllis Walker is tired of being used as a primary source for her grandkids’ history projects, sources report.
“At first it was kind of sweet,” reported a frustrated Walker. “But then I realized the only times my grandbabies call me is when they need a quick quote about consumerism in the 1950s or a brief statement about the Kennedy assassination.”
“Last week Zachary called me for his report on the stock market crash of ’29," Walker added, moving aggressively back and forth in her rocker.
According to witnesses, local boy Justin McDermott’s attempts at plinking out “Heart and Soul” on his living room keyboard totally lack the spirit implied by the song’s title.
“I know Justin is practicing whenever I hear this choppy, mechanical melody,” said the boy’s concerned mother.
Upon finding her misplaced car keys, local woman Colleen Baker was grateful that God kindly helped with her search for the missing keys. “I was running late for a lunch date with my friend Kathy from work, and I just couldn’t find them anywhere,” Baker said, looking up to the sky with an appreciative smile and confidence that God was with her through this predicament.
Local sources report that neighborhood kid Jared Buckley keeps referring to the approaching October 31st holiday as “All Hallows Eve.”
“Jared has always been a little different around this time of year,” said Buckley’s mother as her son whispered ominously about dissolving the boundary between the living and dead.
Scanning the lecture hall following a carefully-crafted ironic comment, Professor of Economics Donald Feldstein was thrilled to hear soft chuckles from several slightly amused students.
“I mean, it wasn’t ha-ha funny or anything,” said student Chris Anderson as Feldstein beamed around the class from his podium, congratulating himself with a discreet fist pump and quietly muttering, “you still got it.”
“I thought he deserved at least a titter of acknowledgment, though,” Anderson added as Feldstein continued to glow radiantly, advancing through lecture slides with a sense of renewed vigor.
According to witnesses, local RIPTA driver Todd Jenson was unsuccessful in leading a sing-along on bus 34 last Thursday.
“I guess that no one knows the Brady Bunch theme song anymore,” Jenson said with a disappointed sigh. “We were going down the Thayer tunnel, and I just wanted to liven the late-afternoon blues with some happy tunes.”
According to reports, bus 34’s passengers were completely unresponsive, with one woman turning up the music on her headphones and another young man angrily threatening to “pull the cord” if the singing persisted.
According to witnesses, that rabbit is just really still. Illuminated by street lamps late in the evening, it can be seen doing absolutely nothing at all. “Even as I move closer it is still very still,” one eyewitness observed. “I mean, if you really examine it, you can maybe see its nose quivering. But that’s it.” By press time, the rabbit had finally scampered away to go be really still in a different location.
During a birthday sleepover last weekend, an unexpected text from Scott sent Emily’s slumber party into a fit of chaos. Reading simply, “happy bday,” the text caused birthday girl Emily Jefferson to shriek with unbridled excitement, interrupting a previously lackluster truth or dare circle.
According to sources, local motorcyclist Chris Walker was just vrooming with his mouth last Thursday. “I heard this really intense whirring sound,” said a witness to the scene, reporting that it was immediately clear that Mr. Walker was just substituting the rev of the engine with the fervent trilling of his lips.
According to reports, area man Charles Martin could scarcely endure the bout of tickling he was subjected to last Tuesday afternoon. “Ooooooh you better stop!” reported Martin, speaking through throaty chuckles and staggered breathes. “Guys! You know how ticklish I am—hehehehehe! Oh my goodness, I can barely brea—hahahahaha! Hooooh boy this is a lot!” At press time, Martin reported that guys, seriously, it’s getting to be a bit much.
Looking over at his classmate’s neighboring desk, sophomore Henry Gilbert was awestruck by his classmate’s really intense doodle of a whale.
“It started with just a small squiggle,” explained Gilbert, who was visibly astonished by the level of artistic detail.
Local man Steve Buckley has definitely lost track of the last time he washed his towel, sources report. “I only have one towel so I can’t just throw it into the machine whenever I want, you know what I mean?” commented Buckley, considering the limp, suspiciously pigmented piece of fabric hanging on the back of his door.