Addressing the nation from a televised broadcast, the CDC advised to stay away from Grandpa when he’s coughing like that. “We are working hard to identify his illness, but he’s kinda at that age where it could be anything,” said a CDC spokesperson, noting that Grandpa’s smoker lungs make just about anything sound like a death rattle. “While we figure this out, we urge the nation to keep distance from Grandpa. If he gets to close or goes for a hug, we recommend holding your breath and leaning your head back really far. It’s best to keep him quarantined in the TV room, and just put on Wheel of Fortune so that he doesn’t get bored and start wandering around.” At press time, the CDC announced it had narrowed down Grandpa’s sickness to either allergies or tuberculosis.

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