Tuesday, October 19, 2021
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The Brown Noser

CDC Assures Public They Will Be Protected From Delta Variant If They Share Pro-Vaccine Social Media Post

Published Friday, September 17th, 2021

In a recent press release, The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced to the American public that they will be protected from the Delta variant if they post a pro-vaccination social media post.

“We understand that many are wary about the country easing social distancing requirements and loosening mask mandates," a spokesperson for the CDC said Tuesday. "But we believe in the power of the vaccine so much that even just a statement that you got the vaccine online, whether true or not, will protect you from the Delta variant. Basically, no matter what else you’re doing, as long as you’re vocal about your support for vaccines on social media, you’re totally fine.”

“There are lots of ways to protect yourself and others from the virus,” added the CDC. “You could add a frame to your Facebook profile picture that says ‘Vaccinated and Proud!’ You could Tweet out ‘Get your Fauci Ouchie, friends!’ You could also even get yourself infected with COVID, and then fight for your life in the hospital, as long as you post a viral picture on Facebook of you in an ICU bed saying you wish you had gotten the vaccine. You’ll basically be immune to all illnesses then!”

At press time, the CDC announced that if there is a mask in your profile picture, you no longer need to wear one in real life.

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