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In a televised press conference, CDC director Rochelle Walensky announced new public health guidelines based on the center’s recent COVID-19 research finding that you don’t need a mask if you are sitting next to a cup.
“We are happy to say that you need not wear a mask in public indoor spaces if you are sitting next to a cup,” began Walensky in a prepared statement. “This guideline is scientifically-motivated. If you have a cup with you, COVID thinks you’re drinking something. And everyone knows you can’t wear a mask then because otherwise how would you drink the thing you’re drinking? If you need to take off your mask to drink something, COVID won’t get you because it wouldn’t be fair. It’s all fairly straightforward.”
Demonstrating confidence in this new guideline, all reporters in the crowded room were issued an empty cup and told they could take off their masks.
“If you hold the cup and maybe even pretend to take a little drink, you offer yourself even more protection,” continued Walensky, flanked by a team of maskless researchers in lab coats holding cups from Starbucks. “The same proteins the virus uses to infect cells are also used to detect if a person is eating or drinking something and therefore couldn’t wear a mask right then. If you are near a cup or even a bag of chips, the virus will stay away and infect those who are less responsible than you, like those inconsiderate anti-maskers who aren’t even pretending to drink anything.”
Expanding on the new relaxed mask guidelines, the CDC has also announced that you are temporarily immune to COVID if you are singing in a musical.
