Partly Cloudy, 64°
In accordance with CDC guidelines, local dad Robert Fisher has been forced to judge his daughter’s new boyfriend by the firmness of his elbow tap.
“I have to say, I wasn’t thrilled when my little girl told me she was going around with this Kyle kid from her psychology class,” said Fisher, lamenting the bad timing of the romance. “How am I supposed to tell if he’s a spineless, limp-wristed punk if I can’t even shake his hand?”
“Obviously, if I’m going to be judging this kid’s soul, I would rather be able to feel the calluses on his hands and the torque of his wrist, but these are drastic times,” stated Fisher. “I can tell a man’s worth by his elbow bump. You gotta look a man in the eye and tap hard enough to gain respect, but soft enough to stay in line. If Kyle gives me a half-assed, bony little tap, I know he’s not the man for my daughter.”
At press time, Fisher was angrily thinking that if this hippie has any piercings, and if the government ever allows anyone outside again, there’s no way he’s letting his daughter stay out with Kyle after ten.
