As the Delta and Delta Plus variants continue to spike across the country, COVID has announced a new Delta Silver Premium option for longtime subscribers. “Some of you have been tempting fate for a long time now,” said COVID at a press conference last week. “You’ve been loyal customers, going to giant concerts and crowded indoor weddings and pulling your masks down to your chins whenever you run into someone at the grocery store. We want to reward your brand loyalty, and Delta Silver Premium is custom-made for you. So don’t wait! Head to a bar mitzvah or a Cracker Barrel today.” At press time, COVID unveiled a Delta Gold tier reserved for people who spread misinformation about Delta Silver Premium on Twitter.

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