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The Brown Noser

Campus Christians Booth Offering Free Wristbands, Water Bottles, Back Massages, Whatever it Takes

Published Friday, December 1st, 2017

A table manned by a Christian group is trying absolutely everything to stop passing Brown Students, report students walking by the Main Green. Brown University Christians had set up the booth under Faunce Arch in the afternoon, and had immediately set to work courting students with an arsenal of trinkets, water bottles, and deep tissue shoulder massages.

“As I passed,” Barry Goldstein ‘19, recalled, “one of them pointed at the colorful water bottles and wrist bands arrayed on the table. I slowly shook my head and hurried away. In my peripheral vision, I thought I saw the guy pantomiming a sumptuous neck rub. When I looked back, I saw that they had set up a massage chair. Man, that was tempting, but I managed to get out of there without learning about the local Christian community offerings.”

Other students walking between classes reported similar experiences. “At first, I thought it was an acapella group selling tickets,” James Horner ‘20, recounted. “But when I got closer, I made out the Bibles stacked on the plastic table. In the past, when I realized that proselytizing was going on, I would immediately make a beeline for the Faunce doors. However, one of them kindly remarked that I looked like I could use some stress relief,” or “at least a Brown Christian Circle rubber wristband.” Horner admitted that the temptation “was too overwhelming,” and that he walked away with loosened shoulder muscles and a deeper awareness of the “vibrant culture of campus worship.”

As of presstime, Brown Conservatives had set up an adjacent table, offering cucumber facials.

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