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In a devastating turn of events, sophomore Molly Heller was shocked to learn that her campus crush does, in fact, have a mild nut allergy.
“I was standing behind him in the Blue Room sandwich line when I heard those six little words that changed everything,” said Heller, wiping heartbroken tears from her eyes. “He said… ‘Does that have nuts in it?’” she sobbed, gesturing at the formerly hot and mysterious 6’3 junior. “I was so busy looking at the back of his beautiful head, thinking about how gorgeous our kids would be, that I almost didn’t hear it.”
“I nearly fell to my knees,” recounted Heller, flinching from the flashback. “Hearing him say that, my heart just couldn’t take it,” she continued, aggrieved by her former beau’s attempt to avoid anaphylaxis. “I watched those dreamy blue eyes and stunning jawline transform into something hideous and unrecognizable. Also, he’s totally 5’11. I don’t know what I ever saw in him.”
“I thought he was, like, my dream guy,” she continued, biting into a PB&J to ward off potential suitors. “But turns out he’s just a mid normie who lost the genetic lottery.”
“I’m just glad she finally saw the light. He was literally just a white dude with good hair and a tote bag,” remarked Molly’s best friend. “I’m a little worried, though. She hasn’t come to the class he’s in since.”
In related news, a mildly ugly guy is… kinda hot? after being seen with a puppy.
