The Brown University 2012 Campus Dance will be cancelled due to lack of hustle, according to a press release by the University’s administration last Friday.
The late-May commencement celebration and final send-off for seniors is one that many in the student body look forward to all year. It is a fun way to say goodbye to dear friends and take a respite from an entire year spent partying. But the administration said it was “very displeased” with the student body’s drive and determination to win.
A representative of the University’s administration, Stanley McKirk, who prefers to be called “Coach Stan,” had this to say about the decision: “I mean, these kids gotta do what they gotta do, and I gotta do what I gotta do. And if that means takin’ away something they want so it’ll, uh, ya know, light a little fire under them, show them that we’re talking some serious business here, then, uh, I think that’s for the best.”
Coach Stan advised that students quit their bellyaching and go get some orange slices from Tommy’s mom.
The University hasn’t taken actions this drastic since the fall of 2008, when the freshman ice cream social was cancelled due to several members of the class of 2012 arriving late to campus.
“I mean of course the Campus Dance was gonna be a real fun time, but you gotta work hard to play hard, ya know? I know that the kids were really looking forward to the Senior Sing and the paper lanterns and all that, but, uh, the decision is final and I really don’t wanna hear any more complaints.”
Coach Stan was quick to emphasize that he was only doing this out of tough love and because hustle is the only way to have a shot at overtaking Providence Polytechnic at next Saturday’s big match. Providence Polytechnic is well known for their hustle both on and off the field.
“You gotta work hard to play hard, and you gotta play hard to win hard. You fail to prepare and you better be prepared to fail. Practice doesn’t make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect. What was I saying? Oh yeah. Hustle. Hustle embodies that trifecta of practice, perfection and winning. It’s exactly what you need when the going gets tough and the tough get going. ”
At press time, Coach Stan was reenacting that orange peel scene from “The Godfather.”