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Brown Noser writer Simon Henriques ’15, in an effort to be as poetic as William Shakespeare, has recently taken to filling his articles with as many similes as there are stars in the sky.
“I needed that extra something to really make my writing truly special, like coconut shavings on a bowl of ice cream,” he explained. While some have complained that this habit makes reading his articles as difficult as killing a lion with a plastic spoon, Henriques maintains that his similes are as vital to his work as a rejection of Romantic ideals is to Modernist literature.
Noser editors-in-chief have tried unsuccessfully to curb Henriques’s cocaine-like dependency on figurative language. Said Zack Bornstein ’12, “We told him it was [as] imperative [as not shouting racist things at job interviews] that he stop using similes [that are as situation-appropriate as saying “I’m so sorry. Anteloprah Winfrey was a great friend to us all” upon the death of your friend’s pet gazelle] because it was making what he wrote [as] confusing [as the following: asldkagsoiweklas], but he just sort of smiled and shook his head.”
“Really, people should be as happy as if they just saw a kitten on roller skates that I’m only using similes,” said Henriques. “Before that, it was extended metaphors, and let me tell you: extended metaphors are like an all-you-can-eat Indian lunch buffet. Every facet of the analogy is a different enticing dish you can’t help but try. You keep taking the plate of your writing back for more, but pretty soon you’ll end up forgetting the basmati rice of content that’s supposed to support everything. Inevitably, one ends up with the stomachache of being overly wordy. Not even meticulous revision is antacid enough.”
To help move past his simile obsession, Henriques has begun employing a staff of copy editors and syllepsis.
