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Captain Crunch yesterday suffered a crushing defeat at the hands of the North Korean navy, as his much-touted crunchiness completely failed to stem the enemy assault. “Mr. Crunch’s fleet, delicious as it may have been, was wholly unprepared for naval combat,” said a grim Admiral Dennis Hooper at a press conference late last night. “The Captain’s essential vitamins and minerals offered no defense against the Korean gunboats. If anything, they seemed to make the Koreans even more healthy and powerful.” The admiral would not confirm rumors that Crunch was being held captive by the North Koreans and had been waterboarded until he was soggy.
