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The Brown Noser

Children’s Book Writer Barely Masking Own Existential Dread

Published Friday, September 15th, 2017

Following parents’ concerns that his books focus too much on his descent toward nihilism rather than the cheerful, moralizing tales he is meant to be writing about, children’s book writer Martin Wernick is being criticized for the barely concealed existential dread found in all of his stories.

“My kid asked me what ennui was yesterday,” stated a parent who purchased one of Wernick’s books. “Apparently the woodland critters in these books talk about their exhausted boredom with life. The characters in these books should be talking about friendship and kindness, but only ever seem to talk about accepting their own mortality. He’s actually encouraging seven-year-olds to consider the implications of their existence. This guy is definitely in a dark place."

“Martin has definitely become more unstable lately,” admitted Wernick’s editor. “I told him Camus can’t be a character in a children’s book, so Martin just injected quotes of Camus into the dialogue randomly, which really isn’t an improvement."

“I’m currently writing a story about a boy who lies to his parents and gets away with it,” stated Wernick when asked about the direction future novels would take. “He recognizes that guilt serves no meaningful purpose, and dies seventy years later. The story has no moral, but it has a definite end, just like life”.

At press time, the illustrators of Wernick’s books were struggling to understand his request that all the cartoons in his books “should convey the absurd.”

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