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R&B superstar Chris Brown yesterday awoke from his eight-year coma, reporting that he was eager to see what his body double had made of a promising musical career. “I can only imagine how my reputation as the troubadour of my generation has grown since [body double] Rod [Mungus] took over,” said Brown, finally recovered from a tragic zip-lining accident that left him temporarily paralyzed and mute. “Because if I recall correctly, whether it’s my soulful lyrics, my aw-shucks good looks, or my unimpeachable public persona, America loves Chris Brown.” Brown was joined by his friend David Petraeus, emerging from 10 years of cryogenic cold storage, who expressed hope that his twin brother had spent the past decade encouraging nonviolent solutions to geopolitical problems and demanded to see his beloved wife.
