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In preparation for an upcoming role as the late Joe DiMaggio in the biopic “Joltin’ Joe,” famed method actor Christian Bale died. His body was found in the living room of his Santa Monica home.
According to Bale’s agent Ronda Schreiber, the devoted actor wanted to get inside Joe DiMaggio’s head in the most true-to-life way possible: by dying from lung cancer just like DiMaggio did in 1999.
“The time of death is 4:17pm,” said medic Pat Barham after checking Christian Bale’s vital signs and confirming that the ‘American Psycho’ star had no pulse. “That’s amazing. He’s probably doing some really nuanced character work right now.”
Sources confirm that Bale, who previously lost 60 pounds for his role in “The Machinist,” has already begun to release enzymes in order to break down his internal organs, expedite cell death, develop an emotional characterization of Joe DiMaggio, and prepare for the fermentation process.
“I loved Christian Bale in ‘American Hustle,’” said funeral director Conrad Evans, embalming the actor’s corpse. “His dedication to this role as a dead baseball player is amazing. I’m definitely going to see ‘Joltin’ Joe’ in theaters. It’ll be so cool to look up at the screen and know that, just months before, I aspirated that chest cavity and put caps over those recessed eyes.”
According to Bale’s co-star Emma Stone, while his commitment to craft is admirable, it has been difficult to run lines with him because he smells like hydrogen sulphide and is unable to move or talk. “I was told he could be difficult to work with,” said Stone, sitting with Bale’s discolored cadaver. “It’s definitely impressive that he perished, but I honestly have no idea how we are going to shoot this movie. I mean, look at him. He’s dead. We need to bury him as soon as possible. I keep saying that to [director] Adam McKay, but still nothing is happening. It’s actually unbelievable. There’s this scene at the end of the movie where we’re supposed to kiss, and obviously I’m not comfortable kissing Christian Bale’s dead, rotting body on camera. No one else seems to think it’s weird. It’s like, am I dreaming? Has the world gone mad? At this point, it really, really seems like we’re going to go through with this, which is insane, not to mention illegal probably. Oh, also, get this: Christian is making more than I am for this movie. Can you believe that? A dead body making more than a live one! What’s a corpse going to do with two million dollars anyway? Buy a really nice tombstone? Yeah right. Even the really, really nice ones are only like $300k.”
At press time, Christian Bale was headed to the actor’s studio in a hearse.
