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The University has announced that the Class of 2021’s graduation ceremony will consist of Christina Paxson yelling “Scram!” at the graduating seniors while struggling to hold back her tears.
“Christina Paxson will be forgoing the usual speech and will instead scream ‘Go on, git!’ at the crowd until the seniors eventually wander off campus,” explained representative for University Events Margot Chapman. “At some point in her speech, President Paxson is planning on stomping the ground in order to spook any straggling graduates away.”
Sources involved in planning the event report that Paxson will arrive wearing patched overalls and a large straw hat. In order to keep the ceremony short and COVID friendly, Paxson will turn her back to the seniors so they can’t see her cry and will then yell “We don’t want you here anymore!” through her sobs.
“Paxson will be the only speaker, and in true Brunonian spirit, she will end her remarks with ‘I never want to see you again! Get out of here, you dumb graduates!’” stated Chapman as she crossed out all of the Latin in the usual commencement speech. “And no, she will not be turning around to take one last look, even though she will really, really want to.”
At press time, the Class of 2020 was angrily watching the Class of 2021’s commencement from the bushes.
