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The Brown Noser

Classics Concentrator Puts Off Whole Quest Until Night Before It’s Due

Published Friday, September 17th, 2021

Cursing his past self for procrastinating on a project worth one-third of his final grade, classics concentrator Jason Portimedes ’22 reportedly put off his whole “Labors, Trials, and Heroic Acts” quest until the night before it’s due.

“All I have so far is a canary with perfect pitch and 10 gold ingots and the project is due tonight at midnight,” said Portimedes, noting that this is a particularly tough quest to cram for considering the 2 to 4 weeks that snake skins typically need to ferment before congealing into flame retardant lotion. “Last week I spent a lot of time frolicking with nymphs and dryads on the Main Green and never quite got started on my prophesized journey to incinerate a lock of elven hair in the lava flows of Mt. Carcinea.”

“This quest requires us to apply skills from every unit we’ve covered so far this semester,” whispered Jason’s classmate from under the hood of his cloak. “It touches on dueling, wooing and lusting, answering riddles three, and all the other foundational skills you’d learn at the beginning of a 100 level course like this one.”

At press time, Portimedes was frantically Googling what animal has four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three at night.

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