The family and authorities of missing hiker Alexa Stewart have said there may still be hope for her return, but, like, c’mon guys. She’s totally dead.

“She’s an experienced hiker who can walk large stretches alone,” her mother said, ignoring the fact that Stewart had been missing for over three months now. “She’s done it plenty of times before. I know they’ll find my daughter alive.”

“There’s still a chance she found a food reserve and has stayed alive,” said one member of the search team, lying through his teeth. “This could still be a good story at the end of the day.”

At press time, there were reports Stewart had died. Called it!

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