Partly Cloudy, 64°
The U.S. Coast Guard was pleased to report that the coast has been exhibiting its usual behavior.
“We’ve been monitoring the coast vigilantly since 1915,” boasted Lieutenant Jared Sweeney, rapidly glancing between monitors displaying boogie boarding conditions from all over the country. “We take great pride in watching the coast, noting any abnormalities in water temperature, sand consistency, and dolphin sightings.”
“One of our more exciting ventures is monitoring coastal erosion,” yelled Lt. Sweeney over a room full of cheering Coast Guardsmen watching a sandy cliff topple over in the Outer Banks. “Most people think the coast is static and boring. But if you just take the time to watch carefully, it’s actually changing every day!”
“Don’t get me wrong, this job isn’t all peaches and cream. We have our fair share of stresses,” sighed Lt. Sweeney as he filed an incident report over a mess of tangled kites at Myrtle Beach. “We have to deal with ugly stuff like ice cream truck price inflation. And don’t even get me started on beached whales… You learn to love it though. There’s never a dull moment here at the Coast Guard.”
At press time, the U.S. Air Force was attempting to verify that the air was still there.
