After happening to glance down at her keyboard while writing a history paper, junior Veronica Sill reported that her computer had become concerningly greasy.

“There were big shiny spots on the majority of the keys,” said Sill, adding that the large spots on the most frequently used letters were especially worrisome. “It’s not like I was eating chips or fries before I started working. I guess that stuff must just be naturally on my hands which I really don’t want to think about.”

“I don’t know why the paint sometimes chips off of keys but I think it might be because of the grease,” continued Sill. “I think I might buy one of those rubber keyboard cases. Sure, they bubble up and get all floppy, but at the rate this grease is accumulating, I need to take some serious precautionary measures.”

At press time, Sill tried to wipe off the grease stains with her hand but it was only making them worse.

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