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It was revealed Thursday that the very notion that human beings could ever be good has all been an elaborate prank. Sources report that people are actually bad and there’s nothing that can be done about it.
“I cannot believe I fell for that!” said Boston resident Karen Thomas, shaking her head ruefully. “I mean, really? ‘Humans are good deep down?’ C’mon, Karen.”
“I really thought that maybe people could work out their problems and all sort of just get along,” said Tulsa native Damian Abramowicz. “But I suppose this makes much more sense.”
Reactions weren’t all negative, though, with many people confirming that they always suspected that they and everyone they know is irredeemably flawed deep down.
“At least I have an excuse to give up,” said one New York resident. Another added that she thinks she’ll feel less guilty when she steals now, while a third mentioned that he can finally stop feeling pressured to hold open doors.
“Boy, they really got us. This is almost as good as when my buddies put jelly on the principle’s chair back in school,” said Abramowicz.
At press time, humanity was coming to the conclusion that there probably is no God, but if there is, He’s an asshole.
