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The Brown Noser

Congratulations, It’s A Boy Who Will Soon Be Sucked Back Into The Void Like The Insignificant Speck He Is, By Nihilistic Midwife Jane Martin

Published Sunday, October 27th, 2013

Isn’t it precious? I’m sure you’ve been anticipating this moment with great excitement, and I can see you’re very happy. The birth of a first child is the most meaningful thing that can happen in a parent’s life. But that’s not saying much, since our lives are completely meaningless and worthless in the grand scheme of things anyways. So congratulations, it’s a boy who will soon be sucked back into the void like the insignificant speck he is. I hope you’re happy.

I’m sure you must be tired after this incredible ordeal. And I’m sure many sleepless nights lie ahead of you as you attempt to give your son the love and happiness he deserves for years to come. It’s unfortunate that all your work and toil will only afford the boy a short, brutal existence that will be completely gone before another second has gone by on the clock of our universe’s life span.

Are you the father? I bet you and your wife are very proud of creating such a beautiful baby boy on this tiny chip of dust floating in galactic backwater. Maybe he’ll grow up to be a doctor or an artist. Maybe he’ll devote his life to helping others with their pointless problems. Whatever the case is, I’m sure you two will treasure him and care for him, deluding yourselves that it means anything in the long run of human civilization or life on earth.

Now then, which one of you wants to cut the umbilical cord?

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