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The Brown Noser

Congratulations on Your Fulbright! I'm So Happy For You And Not Jealous At All! by Student Considering Murdering You To Take Your Spot

Published Friday, May 12th, 2023

Oh my gosh, I just heard that you got accepted to do a Fulbright in Buenos Aires, congratulations! I’m so happy for you. You’re going to love it there. You know, I’ve actually spent a lot of time there, given that I’ve spent the last decade meticulously researching the historical, political, and migratory patterns of modern Argentina because, you know, I was really hoping to do a Fulbright in Buenos Aires. Just be careful—Argentinian drivers can be a little reckless, and I wouldn’t want you to stand in the street for 0.237 seconds too long and suddenly be struck by a black 2013 Honda CRV! That would just be tragic, even though I guess I would get to take your spot and do a Fulbright in Buenos Aires. But anyway, it’s great that you’re going to experience such a rich culture while also doing meaningful research. I assume you’re familiar with Eva Perón, right? Of course you are, why else would you have taken up such a valuable spot in a highly competitive program? Well, they say she died of cervical cancer, but word on the street is that it was tuberculosis. Be careful who you interact with—it would be such a shame if you somehow contracted TB twenty-two hours, 43 minutes, and 52 seconds into your trip. Anyway, keep me updated on this life-altering experience! I hope everything works out. And if it doesn’t, I’ll be sure to do you justice through my Fulbright in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

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