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In the wake of new DOGE policies targeting extraneous government payrolls, a conservative federal employee is so psyched about being executed to improve government efficiency.
“Yeah, a notice of execution showed up in our email inboxes this morning. Some of my coworkers are pretty upset about it,” recounted Shannon Slater of the National Park Service, referring to an email which announced the imminent execution of 5,000 government employees by firing squad. “Me, on the other hand? I think this is a great plan! If my execution can help our government cut wasteful spending, I’m more than happy to oblige!”
“Elon Musk knows what he’s doing in our government, that’s for sure. He’s going to fix everything!” continued Slater, proudly donning her MAGA hat as officials arrived to escort her to her death. “He’s decided that not only my job but my life is a drain on our government, and I’m honored to be disposed of accordingly.”
At press time, indecisive conservative women were overjoyed to have the government dictate their reproductive choices.
