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The Brown Noser

Cool Freshman Already Knows Best Places In Providence To Get COVID

Published Friday, February 5th, 2021

John Hugh, a cool freshman, already knows all the best place in Providence to get COVID this semester.

“There are some places around Wayland Square that are great for a chill night and maybe a less severe infection,” Hugh explained enthusiastically, promising to take the other kids in his unit to all the best COVID hotspots. “And if you really want to inhale a mammoth quantity of virus, there are some bars I know downtown.”

“You can try Captain Seaweeds, I’ve heard it’s more of an asymptomatic scene over there,” Hugh said, noting that his older brother is a junior who’s been to all the riskiest bars in Providence. “Don’t even bother with Wickenden Pub. They’re completely lame. My buddy went there and didn’t even get contact traced.”

“If you want to stay on campus, everyone’s going to something in the EmWool basement. Could be huge crowds with no social distancing. That’s where you want to go for some of the best COVID exposure on campus, but if too many people show up it’ll probably get shut down before anything can really circulate.”

At press time, Hugh was telling his unit about the city’s most toxic former industrial sites.

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