Partly Cloudy, 64°
On Sunday, the Coors Cold Train, which has been nationally advertised to bring cold beers and refreshing winter weather to scorching summer days, arrived in Pensacola, Fla., bringing with it Coors Lite and sub-arctic weather which has left several dead of hypothermia, and has decimated the state ecosystem and the thriving, agriculturally driven economy.
The massive sliver-plated locomotive, which carries on it the Coors brand name, arrived in Pensacola around 12:30 p.m. on Sunday. The train provided temporary relief and unlimited free beer to the citizens of the county, who were supportive of it until they realized that it was not going to leave. Panic set in as many realized that they did not own sufficient winter clothes, 4-wheel drive vehicles to traverse icy roads, or have insurance to cover the cost of frozen pipes and property damage due to destroyed power lines. Supporters of the train pointed out that, despite these drawbacks, the citizens of Pensacola now had a ton of beer.
“At first I could not have been happier the Coors Cold Train came when it did, since I install roofing all day in the summer,” said 19-year-old resident Scott Schrader. “But then, 25 minutes went by and I thought to myself, ‘Holy shit, it’s actually as cold as the fucking Rocky Mountains, and I’m out here in shorts and a tank and I’m 15 miles from home. I’m gonna die of hypothermia out here.’"
The Floridian ecosystem also was disrupted by the Coors Cold Train, as most of the wildlife instantly froze. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association reported that the addition of the Cold Train will have lasting effects on the ecosystem for years to come.
“You’re looking at incredibly delicate systems of life that have evolved to thrive in warm to tropical climates,” said Chief Ecologist Johnathan Greer. “Then, you are introducing the Coors Cold Train, which of course only brings with it the uninhabitable climate of the Western Rocky Mountain region. So now everything is dead, obviously."
“There are more than just 20-something single males who live out here,” he added. "Flamingoes don’t want beer. They want to eat plankton and shrimp so they can be pink. This is an incredibly irresponsible move by Anheuser-Busch.”
The large orange groves, which provide a primary source of income to many farmers across Florida, have become a permafrost tundra, rendering them useless for this season and for the foreseeable future. The shortage of oranges has left entire industries bankrupt, and the Floridian economy in total shambles.
To many, however, the free beer was worth the catastrophic and irreparable damage to the region.
“We got free beers, bro!” said Pensacola resident Daniel Flemming. “Coors for life!”
