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Noting that the word carries with it uncomfortably truthful connotations of shadowy back-door dealing and disregard for human concerns in the pursuit of profit, the Corporation announced that it was in the process of devising a new, far less accurate name.
“We don’t want students to see us as the cold, calculating, and often unethical business people we really are,” said Steven Cohen, a Corporation member whose hedge fund was recently fined almost $2 billion for insider trading activities. “We want them to think we actually respect them.”
According to the press release, “The Brown Board,” “The Industry Council of Brown University,” and simply “The Chamber” were all under consideration, although Cohen stressed that they were still looking for something “a little less on the nose.”
The announcement comes on the heels of justified and well-evidenced concerns that the group of wealthy financiers is more committed to the bottom line and their own personal legacies than treating Brown’s mission, faculty and staff, or place in the city of Providence with respect.
According to an official statement from President Paxson, the name change should help “reframe” the facts that Corporation members’ coal investments presented a clear conflict of interest in the decision not to divest from coal and that lax policies on sexual assault may have something to do with the University prioritizing image over student safety. The Corporation expressed hope that the new name would help send the more pleasing, if less honest, message that they were doing all they could to address these issues.
Students reacted generally positively to the name change. “I’m glad they’re finally making a real, substantive change," said Anna Markoff ‘15, sipping on complimentary Del’s lemonade and forcing a deluded smile. “I might even write a sycophantic Herald article about how great it is.”
Other efforts to rebrand The Corporation will take the form of proposals to start wearing funky bow-ties and adding emojis to next year’s tuition-hike announcements.
