Today while reading the news on my iPhone™ on the toilet, I learned that a CORPORATION was making MONEY! Again! I can’t believe this travesty is allowed in the 21st century. Isn’t this exactly how we landed in this economic mess to begin with? Naturally, I dropped everything to run to my Macbook Pro© and conduct some research, and I found that not one but many, many corporations, banks and other morally bankrupt institutions have been earning profits for years right under our noses! What did we elect Obama for? This doesn’t sound like hope or change to me. I once had hope for America when he was inaugurated but now I see him for the corporate pawn he is.
After filling my Honda up at the Exxon station, I drove by Starbucks™ to get my usual Venti Double Chai Mochaccino® and then sat down to compose this relentless critique. Suddenly it all came together in my mind. All our most sacred institutions — the presidency, the courts, Congress, Pitchfork Media, etc. — have long been in the pockets of corporations. Did you even know that venerable Brown University itself is owned by none other than “THE CORPORATION”? Corporate pawn Mitt Romney even has the gall to say that “corporations are people.” If corporations are people, then why can’t we put them in jail? Checkmate, Mitt.
This would never happen in Europe! I’m pretty sure that in Sweden corporations are illegal and everyone gets 365 days of vacation instead. Also, everyone gets free IKEA furniture. Naturally, I have taken to Facebook and Twitter in order to raise awareness about this blatant, immoral and illegal tendency of corporations to generate profit in America. Don’t stand idly by while corporations suck the lifeblood of our society! Run down to the nearest Staples store, buy some Sharpie markers, a piece of Elmer posterboard, hop in your car and meet me downtown so we can show these bastards that we mean business.