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According to police officials, local 16-year-old Neal Abbott looked totally lame yesterday when he survived being rear-ended by a vehicle while bicycling with his helmet on like a loser.
“The vehicle was moving at about 35 miles per hour. Neal is very lucky he doesn’t have a serious head injury,” said Police Chief Pat Ortega in a public statement. “It is likely, however, that he will experience some emotional trauma because he looked really dumb with his helmet on and his peers will most certainly make fun of him for it."
“I know I would,” he added.
Abbott’s classmate Billy Palmer was with him at the time of the accident and provided a description of the event to the police. "Neal looked like such a dweeb flying through the air and colliding headfirst into that tree, miraculously walking away from the incident with his life intact thanks only to that plastic helmet that protected his head,” said Palmer. “What a dork.”
Abbott’s parents have expressed relief that the incident was not more serious, but also a newfound concern for their son’s cycling safety. “Neal is generally a very responsible boy,” said Abbott’s mother Annie. “But just to be safe, we’re going to encourage him to ride without protective gear from now on. The risk of him surviving an accident and looking like a dumb little wimpy boy with his goodie-goodie helmet on is just too high."
“I mean this was a close one, but it could have been worse,” said Abbott’s father Jonathan. “Imagine if he had been wearing those stupid elbow pad things. He would’ve looked like the dorkiest kid in town.”
“Probably wouldn’t have that compound fracture though,” he added.
