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Department of Public Safety officers shut down the Brown Human Sacrifice Club’s weekly ceremony last night after receiving an anonymous tip that the group had several unauthorized candles present at the event.
“We’re lucky we got there when we did,” said Officer Jane Dougherty, who interrupted the service after the first of that week’s student offerings had been slain, but before any of the candles—classified by the University as a severe fire hazard—had the chance to set the Kasper Multipurpose Room ablaze. “While we don’t like to interfere with student activities, our main priority is keeping students safe, and we’ll do what we have to do to make that happen.”
Dougherty allowed the club to continue ritualistically killing the additional 12 sacrifices planned for the evening, but not before confiscating the candles and admonishing the group members on the potential life-and-death consequences of keeping such dangerous items on hand.
Marcus Redmond ‘16, the club’s grand overseer of The Holy Blade and logistics chair, voiced his complaints about the disruption, saying, “We’re all responsible adults here. We sterilize our own ceremonial knives, track down and kidnap our own offerings, prepare the altar and dig the blood gutters ourselves, and I think that earns us the right to bring a few of our handmade human-fat candles along.”
“We don’t even light them!” added Redmond. “We’re not crazy people.”
The club, which has been served with a $500 fine for the five candles found at the event, plans to sell artisanal leather purses and jackets to help cover expenses.
