In a timely warning email to the campus community, the Brown Department of Public Safety revealed the most hurtful non-lethal projectiles: words.
“After a lengthy review we have concluded that bb gun pellets can leave blisters on the skin’s surface,” explained head of DPS Stanley Thumms, writing the campus-wide email wearing a baggy cashmere sweater and sipping warm chamomile tea. “But a couple cruel words can pierce something far below the surface: your soul.”
“A well-placed paintball had the potential to cause a blunt force injury and moderately severe welts,” Thumms continued, whispering affirmations to himself while wrapped in a weighted blanket. “But just a few inconsiderate words can hurt something far more important: your feelings.”
At press time DPS reminded students that amidst a wave of local break-ins, they must remember that the worst thing you can break: someone’s heart.

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