Department of Public Safety officer Stephen Monroe never makes it to good parties, sources report. Monroe complained to fellow officers on Sunday afternoon, saying, “Every night, I’m always super hopeful that we will make it to some raucous banger in one of the dorms, but without fail, I’m disappointed.”
Monroe, who has been with the force for two years, lamented the latest example of disappointing college nightlife, according to sources: “The other day, we got called to what was supposed to be something really wild. We were told it was packed and the music was blasting. We got super pumped when we hopped out of the car and made our way up to the room because we definitely heard Shakira playing.”
“Unfortunately,” Monroe finished, “by the time we actually got to their door, the room was super quiet and the crowd was already dispersing. It was so lame!”
Monroe noted that the experience was not one-of-a-kind. “For example,” he reported, “just the other day we got this call about some crazy bass thumping in North Campus, so we shot over there real quick. But, when we knocked on the door, the music was immediately muted. Inside were just a bunch of solemn freshmen. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against chill vibes. But even at Brown, don’t the students ever let loose once in a while?"
As of press time, the officers were rushing off to bust a “potentially lit” rush party at the Beta Rho Pi Fraternity.