Wednesday, July 17, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Damn, I Hope No One Remembers That My Emails Were Released In The 2015 Sony Hack And Clearly Showed Me Accepting Bribes To Admit A Student by Christina Paxson

Published Friday, April 19th, 2019

Shoot, with all these recent college admissions scandals, it appears the American public is finally realizing America’s elite colleges and universities are controlled by and structurally designed for the rich and powerful. I certainly hope I don’t become a subject of scrutiny in this nationwide scandal…it would really suck if someone remembered that in 2015 my emails were released in the Sony hack and showed I was condoning the acceptance of bribes to admit a student. That would be an uncomfortable and compromising situation!

My complicity in helping the hyper-rich hold onto their ill-gotten gains has once again come to light, particularly since everyone found out about the Granoff dinners. I’m not sure it helped that I responded to the concerns of the campus community by sending a letter to the editor of the Providence Journal defending Marty Granoff as a gesture of fealty to him. Fingers crossed that people don’t look more closely at what I say and do in public like that, otherwise they might realize how openly corrupt I am!

Now that almost all the students who were at Brown during the Sony hack are gone, it would really suck if members of the student body remembered that leaked emails unequivocally showed me paying special attention to an applicant because their dad expressed interest in donating a bunch of money to the University’s endowment and later met with me in person. If people knew that, they might see me as an unprincipled oligarch making insincere, choreographed, and patronizing public gestures toward justice and equity while actively and consciously selling class spots to plutocrats in private!

Damn, I sure hope that doesn’t happen!

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